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[Jun. 10th, 2010|03:28 am] |
I am the anti-glam. I can learn everything about you in the seconds it would take for your eyes to focus. It's a realization. A revelation. Things have started mattering to me that never have before. I suppose one day I'll be everything I want to be and it will be who I really am. It's been hiding somewhere inside. All that's left is to see it through. I find that it's hard to know secrets, hidden thoughts, life lessons. There are no adjustments made for lower expectations. Recently, I've been staying awake so long that the corner of my eye's beat red. The white glow of a screen makes me more zombie like than ever but I'm learning. Growing. Still breathing. But consequences come with living and breathing, just as they do with trying and failing. I've found that twenty-six years isn't nearly enough time to be able to properly have ideals set on my life. Perhaps, it's a part of growing up. Maybe, I'm now an adult.
Two am whispers, four am stops. Nothing defines this life the way a truck stop hooker in a pair of six inch heels, strutting her stuff across a  parking lot does. This highway is my only friend, it's a love affair gone wrong. Scatter kisses on the pavement, nervous hands to eager hips and interstate promises that can often bleed regret. The sunsets drip over skylines. The reds swirl into blues which swirl into purples and it's a perfect backdrop for chaos. Which is what my mood and life have been like recently but I'm learning that each beating heart is a perfect match for the song's rhythms that we're too scared to sing aloud. I've been reminded that this is my life and that it was all formed from dust but most importantly, I know that it will all return someday. This seems to be another step in trying to get everything figured out. The thoughts that swirl in my mind constantly are often too much to decipher and I normally let them be. Tonight, fingers to keys and eyes glued to a screen, I'm letting them go.
NYC is a place where the skyline is twinkling and romance lurks around every corner. Street lights glisten on the pavement that is full of rushing people and I can remember when this was all just a passerby. I miss the lights outside my window and the serenade of the city below. I miss the rush and the way no one can take five seconds of their day to just stop and appreciate everything around them. Everything that's right and everything that matters the most. Right now though, home is nothing but fiction and pillows can only slow me down. I'm homesick. |
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